Your overdosing and being in the looney bin. My friend Allie. The purpose of this blog. The ability for you to remain mostly anonymous. Family. AmeriCorps. My life. Narcissism. Travel. Losing your daughter. Cats and Edgar Allen Poe. Making friends. Making friends with strangers. Hatred towards computers. Glistening blanket of freshly fallen snow kind of hope. Life plans and heroism. Libraries. Finding your life's purpose. Being 19. Want to say I'm idealistic and feeling like it's an untrue statement. My father, your son. Prisons and firefighting. AmeriCorps NCCC Southwest Region. Backcountry Trails program. Fasting, Chinese food, yoga books, and silence. Small thank yous. Conditioning. Not just you. For everyone I touch. Touching. Falling in love. Little people in my dreams. Once There Was A Hushpuppy. Paige Trubatch. Mason Hainey. S'Mother. Megan. Zack. Brian email, sparkling energies. Stolen questions. Leader, Conversation Sparker, Possibility. Theory of Growth. "Don't give yourself all away, Sam." White Buffalo Calf Woman. The Little Prince. Stolen Quotations.
Friend do it this way - that is,
whatever you do in life,
do the very best you can
with both your heart and mind.
And if you do it that way,
the Power Of The Universe
will come to your assistance,
if your heart and mind are in Unity.
When one sits in the Hoop Of The People,
one must be responsible because
All of Creation is related.
And the hurt of one is the hurt of all.
And the honor of one is the honor of all.
And whatever we do effects everything in the universe.
If you do it that way - that is,
if you truly join your heart and mind
as One - whatever you ask for,
that's the Way It's Going To Be.
How to make this letter successful? At the beginning of the letter I will list all the things I want to address in the body of my writing. I learned this trick from a Cormac McCarthy book that I skimmed.
I am going back now to write that list. (Remember reading it already?)
Well, I am ambitious. In writing my list, I realized that ambition. It seems we have a lot to catch up on. On account of my editing, you are reading things out of order. Just imagine. You've probably been doing that for a great while and few of the Authors had the courtesy of informing you. I'm not a mathematician. I have little concern for the order of things. Just try not to get lost, okay?
Addendum to earlier list: Insta-publishing. 1 hour per day. Physical fitness. The woods. Dear Running, I miss you baby. Facebook.
I steal from a message now that I wrote to an old friend on Facebook. He and I recently reconnected because his status read: "I used to have these things called friends but I'm not sure where they went" and I wrote, "Long lost?" and he wrote, "^ i miss the fuck out of you". Private Facebook messaging ensues as he makes every effort to catch up on a big chunk of time, during which we led completely separate lives. I jump on board. To his, "So what's new? Lol" I respond (5 minutes after he sends that),
"Getting back to your message. Breakups suck. Power through it. Find the small stuff you're still appreciating. Focus on those things, I think. Then again, what do I know? Everything is new, almost everyday. I am writing to you from a computer in Farmington, New Mexico. I went back and replaced state abbreviation 'NM' with New Mexico because the full state name still makes me feel like a cool adventurer lady. I am in the library here. We live at the club and so I can sometimes sleep in this library. That makes me very happy. The work I do is incredibly rewarding, both to myself and the people that I get to help."
He asks me what I do, and before I can point him to the About Me section of my Facebook profile, he has done the leg work & knows the answer to his own question.
"AmeriCorps NCCC (National Civilian Community Corps) is a full-time, team-based residential program for people ages 18-24. Members are assigned to regional campuses, located in Perry Point, MD; Vinton, IA; Vicksburg, MS; Denver, CO; and Sacramento, CA. The mission of AmeriCorps NCCC is to strengthen communities and develop leaders through team-based national and community service. NCCC requires a 10-month commitment of its members, who serve on teams of 8-12 people. Teams are assigned to service projects throughout the region of their campus and can expect to complete between 4-6 projects during their term of service. Service projects are developed in conjunction with sponsoring organizations and address critical needs in the areas of natural and other disasters, infrastructure improvement, environmental stewardship and conservation, energy conservation, and urban and rural development."
I love my job.
He asks me when I'm finished with the AmeriCorps program. He's curious, I suspect, if our paths will cross. He tells me of WWOOFing, his doing it, and I know of the program from a distance. I have been interested in it before. He wants me to be interested in it in the future.
I answer his question, "I'm finding that you're never finished with these programs. They live in you. Beg you to recruit for them."
And my thoughts flicker to the CCC Backcountry Trail Program. God help the youth of America if that program disappears. (Let's talk about God another day. And Buddha. And Jesus Christ. And The Great Spirit. And Muhammad. And So On.) I had the opportunity to live and work in the woods for five months. Free from technology, isolated with a small crew of highly diverse people, accompanied by an intense regimen of living, working, existing.
I started with an orientation in the Sacramento, CA area. I migrated to San Jacinto State Park and spent my first 2 months living in a mule corral, repairing trail from the tramway to the ranger station. The latter three months of my season were spent in the backcountry of Yosemite. We were the "Yosemite 2 Trail Crew" or "Yos Dos". The official website, that linked me to what was certainly one of the most incredible and formative summers of my life: CCC Backcountry Trails Program.
Nothing is safe. I am now going to share text messages with you that I sent to a loved one. In the beginning list he falls under the "Touching. Falling in love." categories. I want to go back and add infatuation. It feels like less of a commitment. Who's the lucky guy? What messages do we share?
G: 12-03-2012 MON 10:13PM
"Of course. And where is that place with the eggs? Or was that the place in washington?"
S: 12-03-2012 MON 10:14PM
"Can you send me to bed at a reasonable hour tonight please?"
[Dammit! I left my water in the kitchen. This transcription is paused.]
I am back. I am distracted by the Backcountry Trails Program tab that is still at the top of my screen. I go to the page and find the photo gallery for my 2012 season. I click. I let it load; I say a quick prayer that it doesn't crash the computer. Like it did last time.
And it does. Boom. The computer screen glitches; I do a quick click of the Save button. (Not Responding) shows up. My Serenity Now YouTube playlist stops playing. I pray the save button worked. I slide over to computer to my left. I'm in a library and inexpressibly grateful. Computer lab glory. On the new computer, I click on the fox icon, navigate my way to gmail, log in, and reload my newly formed blogger account. Click, click. Boom. Everything is there. I am not left to question God, the effectiveness of prayer, technology, and the lackluster efficiency of the BCT Program's photo gallery. Yes, go to the backcountry. Yes, support the California Conservation Corps' Backcountry Trails Program. Yes, have your life changed and your world rocked. But no. No. NO, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TRY TO LOAD THE PHOTO GALLERY of seasons past.
That was a dumb of you. You better not have any important tabs up - tabs that you're just too stubborn or curious to close out of. That's okay. If you're not on a public computer, FireFox will probably invite you to "Restore Your Last Session". Crash away.
[Transcription resumed.]
G: 12-03-2012 MON 10:16PM
"Go to bed."
S: 12-03-2012 MON 10:23PM
"Not yet. I'm still writing."
S: 12-03-2012 MON 10:23PM
"Flow, Griff, flow."
S: 12-03-2012 MON 10:41PM
"You've felt this right? Such an epic-ly human complex this creativity bit is. God I miss you. A and S make me green with all their hammock cuddling."
He has either fallen asleep, resigned me to my creativity, or both.
11:06 PM and Sam tries to clasp at some of the thoughts that ran screaming through her brain as she transcribed the text messages.
FLOW.
 |
| This photo is not mine, in the sense that I copyrighted it or took it from any place other than the google search results for "hammock love". The source is: http://favim.com/image/108207/. |
 |
| This photo is not mine, in the sense that I copyrighted it or took it from any place other than the google search results for "hammock love". The source is: http://favim.com/image/200320/. |
And the next goes out to Aunt Laura:
It is 11:45 PM. The first three things on the list that started this post were: "Your overdosing and being in the looney bin. My friend Allie. The purpose of this blog." In that order:
Aunt Laura, I am, of course, worried about you. The family has relayed news of you to me. Your life has been Topsy-turvy with some of those things that have always made it that way. Would I be right to point my finger at drugs, at loss, at alcohol? I don't think it's ever so simple. No matter the complexity of the equation, it adds up to my loving you. I remember the days when you'd take us kids around the neighborhood looking for snakes. Do you remember those summers? What were they like for you? Mine were caked with childhood innocence and coated in sunshine. I remember soap collections, cold-basement-in-a-hot-summer escapes, and oily-salty potato chip fingers on Nintendo64 remote controllers. I remember your children, especially your Katie, with such great clarity.
I found a necklace in the kitchen of the Boys & Girls Club where I currently live. The necklace looks of the quality that comes from those quarter toy vending machines. I imagine someone popped it out of a little plastic half-bubble with a dark green, plastic cap. Their unwashed fingers uncoiled the cheap string and held the plastic, gold-painted binocular pendant up to their eyes. A reminder to always keep a fresh perspective on the world, on life.
Aunt Laura, how would you describe the place you're in? My dad made it sound like a prison.
I'm going to prison in January.
My AmeriCorps crew is living in the cleared out floor of an active correctional facility in Colorado Springs. We are getting red-card trained and certified for wildfire mitigation. In that way, I will be like your son, Daniel - fighting fires.
I love my crew.
I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such incredible people. Which brings me to "My friend Allie." My dear, there is no easy explanation for the way I engage with people, make friends, etc. I wish I had that to give you. I can, perhaps, share stories of my interactions here and you can pick from them the lessons you choose to absorb, shelve in your brain, perhaps use. Check back.
I want to find that article that inspired me to start talking to strangers in my freshman year of high school... but I am finding that (pun) extremely difficult. Perhaps I will stumble across it again one day, but until then, know this... (on its way to being ironic; keep reading).
We know nothing for certain with the exception of our own perception.
Perceive the world as you do. Interact with it however you may. Learn from it. Let it change you, better you, open you up.
“I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- tame?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To establish ties?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....”
And:
“People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for...
They don't find it," I answered.
And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."
Of course," I answered.
And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
Go there, my dear, to those words. When you're lost. When you're short on friends. When you forget you have me to call or I don't answer my phone right away. When you're on a plane to Japan, to begin a new and beautiful chapter in a life you're not confident will work out for the better.
Be unafraid, buttercup. Plunge forward. "Life is like riding a bicycle," said Einstein, "in order to keep your balance you have to keep moving."
Keep moving, Aunt Laura. Please. No quitting. Time will sweep us from this earthen floor all too soon. For all I know, and that is all I perceive, there could be no more hammocks for this spirit to swing in. But why focus on the loss? When in this small fragment of a moment, there is so much to be seized and appreciated.
Did I leave out half the things I earlier listed? Good. It will give us something to talk about next time.
I will close with that third and final thing: The purpose of this blog.
I finally feel at peace - urrr, for the most part - in the land of insta-publishing. These are words I want to share with you. I want to feed you my experiences, through my eyes, and see if they can't nourish some part of you, whoever you may be. Aunt Laura, I hope you find solace in my words. You are bigger than you know. I honor that bigness here.
To all my beautiful connections in the world, I cannot keep up with you. The hours in my day and my priorities do not allow us all the time I wish we had together. Don't get me wrong, hippie. There are the connections I wouldn't necessarily miss... but they are connections nevertheless and they deserve a place to find me.
Dig in the garden of my words. Plant a seed, maybe I'll water it.
All Best,
Samantha
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